Scrambled eggs

Sometimes I feel like my mind might turn into scrambled eggs if I don't go back to school!

I mean I'm a few years away from being 30 and the thought of going back to school to start my career, makes me feel like I wasted away my years of being 20 something to just lolligag and "find myself" when I should have been focused on school so that by NOW I could have already been done and obtaining my PH.D....but noooooo....I had to be lazy and silly and just go here and there and then take some "time off".

I never believed it when someone said "don't take time off from school, because you won't go back". I can see it now, if my husband were to stay in the military, I probably wouldn't go back to school and just stayed at home and be a "SAHM" (stay at home mom). When I was 18, you could have asked me, "What do you want to be when you 'grow' up" and my response would have been "be a wife and mom and thats it". The thought of being a home-maker was sooo appealing to me.

But of course, once I turned 21 that all changed and had you asked me the same question, I would have said "I want to be an eye doctor". Well in a few months I'll be 28 and man, I wish I could go back in time and kick myself in the butt and say "get on the ball, go back to school, (after I got married) and don't waste time."

I can't believe I allowed myself to be so lazy and just 'attempt' to be a home-maker when I knew deep down that isn't want my heart wanted. Yes I wanted a family, but I've never been one to accept money or materialistic things as gifts (and I feel like that is sometimes the case right now, yes it may not make sense to yall but in my head I feel like sometimes I accept things my husband gives me as a gift). Even now that I'm not working I feel so bad that I can't help my husband and contribute to the family income. With my son here, that feeling has evolved into even more guilt now that we need things to keep this little guy alive and healthy. I guess the best way to put it is- I've always wanted to be fully independant-financially!

I cannot say how blessed I am, enough, because only God knows how much I am soo soo grateful that I can stay at home right now and watch him grow and be able to make my husband dinner and greet him at the door with a martini. (haha I really don't I just saw that on American Dad once) But it sure would be nice to feel like I'm contributing and 'pulling my weight' as far as income is concerned!!

I'm blessed beyond what I deserve, we have money for bills and groceries and little 'extras' every now and then, but that doesn't ease the guilt in my heart.

I guess its just something I need to keep praying about!!

My brain will one day go back to being a hard boiled egg, and that will hopefully be in a few months, I'm keeping my fingers crossed and praying a lot!! I've been looking up things I will need for school, and developing a plan to furthering my education and getting on the ball with my career. My plan is to major in BioChemistry, then go on to get my PH.D in Opthalmology!!

It will be many many years of hard work but I know deep down I can get it done!!